Out of My Control

How many of you feel like you are in control of your life? That you have it all worked out. Well, no matter what we think, God is the one in control. I don’t know if I truly embraced this fact until recently. You see, ever since I was around 6 years of age, I just knew I was meant to go into the medical field. My Grandfather had passed away due to cancer. I remember it just like it was yesterday when I told my Mom that I was going to find a cure for cancer. I continued with this life plan into my college years. I took classes to major in Biology to get into a pre-med program. I was well on my way, but God had a little something else in mind. My family doctor had known me from my middle school-aged years to my early college years. She knew I had aspired to become a medical doctor. During one visit she spoke to me about becoming a “Physician Assistant”. I had never heard of this profession before. Well, as soon as I went home I had to research this role. I found that becoming a Physician Assistant would give me the flexibility I wanted. Several years later I graduated from Hahnemann University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Physician Assistant studies. I have worked in various specialties as a Physician Assistant (PA) for a little over 10 years now. I have enjoyed all of my many roles as a PA. I could not imagine a more rewarding profession. So, now you know a little bit about my background but my journey doesn’t end here.

During the latter 5 years of working as a PA, God was nudging me little by little. What a patient God we have! I, of course, kind of dismissed these gentle nudges. I was however feeling a connection to Women Ministry. I had attended several women’s retreats and groups. I loved the topics that were covered but mostly I enjoyed the fellowship. I then knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to have a group for women of all generations to get together and support one another. I had read various Bible studies by Lysa Terkeurst and Beth Moore and would say to myself “Now, this would be a great study for a women’s ministry.” These two women continued to influence my thoughts of a women’s ministry. Another year or so went by and the “gentle nudges” become more like “tugging”.

To shorten the story a little bit, there was a need for someone to lead “Small Group Ministry” at my church. Because the tugging was becoming stronger and stronger and harder to ignore and my work situation had changed somewhat, I was able to become the Director of Small Group Ministries at my church. Now you might think that maybe this is where God has called me to be, working in ministry as well as working as a PA. Well, I’m afraid not because the tugging continued. The tugging became more like a “magnetic field” pulling me further into the field of ministry.

Right now I am trying to process all of this. I know that God is in control, but it is human for me to want at least some of the control, isn’t it? I am still trying to digest all of this. I mean, I went to school for 8 years and became a Physician Assistant. I am still paying off my student loans! Am I supposed to stop practicing as a Physician Assistant and follow this new path God has set before me? My financial situation will change then, as well as my lifestyle. Do I want this? Can I do this? What will my husband think? Due to all of these questions I have and more, I currently meet with a Spiritual Director as well as a Life Coach to hopefully help me figure all of this out and to accept God’s will for me. I have “fought” these nudges, tugging’s and now magnetic field, thinking I can change God’s calling for my life. Obviously I was wrong. We may be able to prolong the process for a little while but in the end it is God’s way not ours. God is in control.

Please continue to join me on my journey. I believe my faith is strong, but it could be stronger. I have tried several times to place everything in God’s hands and give him all of the control. I really do mean well when I do this. There is a sense of calmness that I feel when I do so but then something comes up and before I know it, I have taken the control back. Do you find that you are playing this “tug of war” game with God as well? How are you making out? What would you like to turn over to God today and give him control?

I look forward to journeying with you. Please share what you are holding on to. What are you trying to control in your life? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Many Blessings,